


Stag Dos

by CLH_CLH



Series: The Very British Lannisters [3]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: A bit sweary, Bad Communication, British Stag Do AU, Butler in the Buff, Everyone drinking a bit too much, F/M, Falling out, Karaoke, Paintball, That is also very british, That is so very British, Tyrion's drinking game, again very British, wine tasting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 20:39:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13888710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CLH_CLH/pseuds/CLH_CLH
Summary: The night before she is due to head off to the Reach for Loras' stag do, Sansa has a row with Jaime. Due to the machinations of Catelyn Stark, Jaime finds himself invited to attend Renly's stag do in King's Landing. Wine tasting and a luxury lodge with the Tyrells or a booze up with the Baratheon brothers; who's weekend sounds more fun?Stag Do is like a bachelor party (the female equivalent would be a hen do) usually they are attended by people of the same gender as the bride or groom but I figured Loras would want Marge and Sansa on his and that Renly would choose Brienne as a best person rather than either of his bros. This one will have a couple of chapters; I hope you enjoy : )





	Stag Dos

Catelyn Stark entered the staff room, making straight for the coffee machine. Generally she avoided caffeinated beverages but today she needed something to get her through. She had just finished a frustrating fifty minutes trying to make her year eights appreciate the poetry of a Midsummer Night’s Dream, however this was not the cause of tight band of tension forming on her forehead. 

Earlier that morning, she had dropped her two youngest at the school gates and turned to see Cersei Lannister heading towards her. The blonde woman’s long, thick hair was scrapped back into a pony tale and she was swathed in a grey hoodie emblazoned with the words ‘Selfish Mother’. However her make up was prefect and even in her gym clothes she still seemed more glamorous than any of the other parents at drop off. She gave Cat a sickly smile.

“Cat, how are you?”

“Fine, Cersei, getting there, you know. How are things with you?”

“Not too bad. I’ll come to the point, I’m a bit annoyed you didn’t mention your daughter was seeing my ex. I appreciate it’s awkward for you but a friendly head’s up would have been nice, it was a shock to have to hear it from Tom and Cella.”

“My daughter?”

“Yes, Sansa and Jaime are an item, he’s introduced her to the children. Are you telling me you didn’t know?”

“She hasn’t mentioned it…”

“In that case I think you need to talk to her. I’m saying this as your friend Cat. Jaime was the love of my life, he’s the father of the my children and I still care for him deeply, but you know what he was like as a husband, I think your daughter needs to be careful.”

Cersei squeezed the redhead’s shoulder and strutted away, leaving Catelyn in turmoil. 

Hours later the turmoil had not lifted.

_Jaime Lannister, how could she?! He’s ten years older than her with a failed marriage and two children to boot!_

Cat massaged her temple, she remembered the school autumn fete last year, Cersei blinking back tears as she recounted discovering her husband in an embrace with their children’s babysitter. Cat knew Sansa had taken the breakup of her relationship with Harry very badly but this was not an effective coping strategy. The coffee made, the redhead absently lifted it to her mouth, only to swear loudly when the hot liquid burnt her tongue. 

“Mrs Stark, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Brienne and please, just call me Catelyn.”

Cat smiled at the younger woman, Brienne was a PE teacher at the school where Catelyn was deputy head. She thought the girl may have spent some time in the military as she seemed very aware of rank. Brienne slumped down on a chair and glared furiously at a notebook in front of her. Cat moved towards her. 

“You look agitated, Brienne, anything I can help with?”

“It’s not a work matter. It’s my best friend from school. I’m organising his stag do this weekend.”

“That should be fun.”

“I hope so. It’s just that Loras, the guy he’s marrying, he has this really close knit family and I know they’ll be doing something awesome for him, I don’t want Renly’s weekend to be rubbish in comparison.”

“He’s marrying Loras Tyrell? Loras is good friends with my eldest daughter, Sansa’s going on his stag do this weekend.”

 _With that little madam Margaery. I bet she’s the one who introduced Sansa to Jaime Lannister._ Cat had never approved of Sansa’s best friend, feeling the Tyrell girl was apt to lead her naive daughter astray, not to mention the way Margaery had broken Robb’s heart. 

Brienne frowned. 

“Renly’s brother Stannis isn’t even coming. So it’s just me, his older brother Robert and another friend from back home, Tyrion Lannister.”

The unusual name stirred Cat’s memory. 

“Is that Jaime Lannister’s brother?”

“That’s right, you know Jai?”

“Our children go to school together.”

“I used to play rugby with him.”

Brienne smiled, fond nostalgia filling her thoughts. Joining the Lannisport under 18’s rugby team had been a special time in her life. It represented the moment she had embraced herself as she was and stopped trying to squeeze into a girly box which would never be a comfortable fit. She and Jaime had quickly become friends, Brienne appreciative of the fact that he treated her exactly like the other players, and always included her in their banter. 

Cat knew nothing of Brienne’s thoughts. All she saw was the woman mention Jaime Lannister and become somewhat dreamy. Catelyn realised she had an opportunity to save her daughter and decided to take it. 

“Why not ask Jaime to come along too?”

“I don’t know, he and Renly weren’t close. I mean they know each other a bit through Tyrion I suppose. I was good friends with Jai but when he started seeing his wife we drifted apart.”

“He’s divorced now, you know. It’s always nice to catch up with old friends, I’m sure he’d be delighted to hear from you.”

Brienne was nonplussed, but she had always put great store in any advice Catelyn Stark gave her and besides it would be nice to catch up with Jaime, they were friends on Black and White Book of course but that wasn’t the same as meeting in person. She smiled at her colleague and began to type out a message. 

 

Sansa walked off the shop floor and made her way to her locker. She hated working the late night closing shift, the shop was always dead and time dragged. She pulled out her phone and noted with a frown a missed call from her mum. The pair had spoken yesterday and Sansa had mentioned her shift tonight. There was no accompanying message so Sansa was not worried anything awful had happened but she wondered what had prompted the call. Her face brightened as she noted Jaime had sent a text several minutes ago. 

Text from Sexy Jaime to Sansa Stark: _I’m outside with Pentoshi food. See you soon xxxx_

Sansa grinned, having a gorgeous boyfriend bring delicious takeaway back to her flat certainly made the evening shift easier to bear. She grabbed her handbag and put on her coat, then made her way out of the shopping centre.

Once in the car park, she quickly spotted Jaime’s car and jumped in, kissing him warmly in greeting.

“Hello, gorgeous. How’s your day been?”

“Boring as hell, but its improving now. How about you, how did Tommen’s assembly go?”

“Yeah great, he didn’t get any of the dragons’ names mixed up and he was word perfect. Naturally I’ve got about five hundred photos of his two minute speech to show you.”

“I should hope so, was Cersei alright?”

“Strangely yes, she even smiled at me and said she was asking after you. I think she’s finally got over her indignation.”

Sansa smiled back at Jaime, from what Marge had told her about his ex-wife she doubted the other woman cared about her welfare unless it was to hear she had died a slow painful death. But there was no need to heap more drama onto Jaime. Cersei had been pissed off to find out her ex was seeing someone new and despite having introduced the children to her own new partner, she took issue with Jaime doing the same with Sansa. As Jaime drove the car towards her flat, Sansa glanced out the window at the familiar streets, before turning to him with smile. 

“I got some of that beer you like.”

“You are far to good to me, Sansa.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to me.”

She smiled at him and dropped her eyes quickly. Jaime glanced and her and grinned.

“It’s going to be a bloody long weekend with you off in the Reach.”

“You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

Sansa had been looking forward to her trip away for ages. Margaery having been appointed her brother’s best woman had arranged for them to spend a weekend in a large luxurious log cabin, complete with hot tub, set in the luscious countryside near Highgarden. All week Sansa had been receiving excited, cryptic messages from the brunette, anticipating what a fabulous time they were all going to have. Jaime pulled the car into her street and found himself a parking space. They got out and collected the bag of food from the back and he raised his eyebrows at her. 

“I will be a miserable sod all weekend I can assure you. Anyway, come on, rapunzle, let us climb to your tower.”

Once they were inside Sansa’s flat, Jaime faced her with a boyish expression and declared in a sing-song voice:

“I know something you don’t know.”

“And what would that be?”

“Come on, Sans! You have enough siblings to know I’m not just going to tell you… do you think you can guess?”

Sansa paused in the action of emptying take away containers onto plates to think.

“Um…you and Tyrion have finally got yourselves a tea pot?”

“No, and we never will. What’s the point? It’s just something else to wash.”

“It makes the tea taste better, and you use less tea bags.”

“Well, we’re both fantastically wealthy so we can buy all the tea bags we like. It is about Tyrion though.”

They moved to her small dining table, and Jaime looked at her in expectant glee. Sansa rolled her eyes. 

“Just tell me, I can see you’re dying to.”

“Tyrion’s going to ask Marge to marry him.”

Sansa grabbed his hands in delight.

“Seriously?!”

“Uh-huh, he spoke to me about it last night, he wants me to ask your advice about rings.”

Sansa squealed.

“I’m so happy for them! Mother, Maiden and Crone though, how am I going to keep it secret this weekend?”

“You’ll be fine, I know what Marge is like when she gets on the wine, she’ll be too busy singing and gushing over Tyrion to notice your dissembling.”

The couple beamed at each other and began to eat. After a while Jaime looked at his girlfriend and spoke in a casual tone. 

“Of course, I suppose once they get engaged, they’ll want to cohabit too, I don’t really fancy doing the ‘Three’s Company’ thing…I’ll have a roommate vacancy if you were interested.”

Sansa laughed. 

“You know I love having you over here, honey, but I don’t think there’s room for all your hair products in my bathroom.”

Jaime frowned. 

“I wasn’t thinking I’d move in here. There’s nowhere for Tom and Cella. Obviously we’d look for somewhere together. My brother’s fairly lax about my rent, I’ve got enough saved up for a decent deposit, I wouldn’t have a problem getting a mortgage I shouldn’t think.”

Sansa felt her mouth go dry, she met Jaime’s eyes.

“You’re joking right?”

There was a beat of silence before Jaime forced out a laugh.

“Of course I am! Gods Sans, you should’ve seen your face.”

Sansa smiled weakly and turned her eyes to her food. The meal continued in a strained silence. Once they were finished Sansa offered Jaime a beer and quickly decided she could do with one herself. She handed him a bottle just as the cheery melody of her ring tone sounded. Jaime watched as Sansa jumped to the kitchenette to retrieve her phone. 

“Hi, mum, everything alright?…Yeah I was at work…Yeah fine just tired now, how’s you?…No nothing’s new here, just looking forward to Loras’ stag do…no it’s not putting me in the mood to settle down, remember how well that went for me last time?…No I’m not having a go, like I said I’m just tired…Of course I’ll be over for dinner on Tuesday…Ok love you.”

Sansa hung up with a frown.

“Mum seems convinced I’ve got something to tell her.”

“Don’t you?”

Jaime tried to keep the edge of his voice but he was sure that some resentment crept in. He’d been seeing Sansa for months now and yet she still seemed no nearer to telling her family about the two of them. An unpleasant thought hit him.

“Shit.”

“Jaime, what is it?”

“Cersei said something about seeing your mum today, do you think she might have mentioned us?”

“She better bloody not have!”

Jaime felt stung by his girlfriend’s consternation.

“I know, who could think of anything worse than your mother hearing about us?”

“You know that’s not what I mean!”

“Still haven’t told her though.”

“And I will in my own time. I don’t believe you! Cersei goes out of her way to shit stir and you’re making it about me!”

“Maybe she wasn’t shit stirring. Maybe she just assumed that with us being adults, you would have done the adult thing and told your mum. That’s usually what people do when they’re in a serious relationship, Sansa.”

“Is it? How lucky for me I have you to instruct me on these things. Maybe you can map my life out for me while your at it!”

“Sorry for wanting to make plans with the woman I care about!”

“It was for not with, Jaime.”  
Sansa could feel her insides shaking as she met his angered gaze, but she kept her head up. After a moment, Jaime gave a humourless smirk. 

“I think it would be best if I left. Wouldn’t want you to get caught out.”

“Fine, go, I’ve got to be up early tomorrow anyway.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye”

It was the first time he’d ever left her without a kiss. Sansa stood stock still as the door shut behind him and made sure she counted slowly to ten before she let the tears fall.

**************************************************************

Margaery reached a hand to the bedside table, eventually locating her phone and cancelling the alarm. 

“Is it time to get up, love?”

Tyrion murmured sleepily. She glanced affectionately towards his tousled head, still mostly obscured by the duvet. 

“Yeah, but only for me. I have to pick up Sansa and Loras.”

“Ok, how about five more minutes first?”

Margaery grinned and snuggled back down into his open arms. After a moment she raised her lips to his and initiated a long, slow kiss. 

“It’s going to be rubbish waking up without you tomorrow.”

“I know, I feel quite sorry for you to be honest.”

“Tyrion! You’re supposed to say it’ll be shit for you too!”

“Just keeping you on your toes, sweetheart. But in all seriousness, I agree, waking up without you is hideous.”

She beamed at him and pulled him into another kiss. Several weeks ago the couple had celebrated their first anniversary and Tyrion had surprised her with a weekend at the Water Gardens. The former private residence of the Dornish royal family was now a luxury romantic hotel and spa and the whole trip had been perfect. Or, nearly perfect. If she was being honest with herself Margaery had at more than one point wondered if her lover might take the opportunity to pop the question and might have been just a little bit disappointed when he didn’t. 

Now she pulled away from him with a regretful smile and jumped from the bed, padding to the drawer where she kept some clothes for the increasingly frequent nights when she stayed over. She put an extra wiggle into her movement, aware she was being observed from the bed. 

“Gods, woman, must you seduce me with every action?”

“This is just my natural self, Tyrion.”

“Then I must have been a very good boy in one of my past lives.”

“I doubt that, you were probably always a little demon.”

She pulled on jeans and a tight t-shirt. Tyrion ran a hand through his already unruly hair and exited the bed, pulling on a considerably looser t-shirt. 

“Do you have time to eat before you leave?”

“No need, Loras is shouting me brekkie as a thank you for being designated driver. I wouldn’t say no to a brew though.”

Tyrion nodded and left for the kitchen while his girlfriend quickly did her hair and make up. When she was finished she headed for the living room and found her boyfriend seated on the sofa looking perplexed. 

“All Jaime’s stuff is here, he must’ve come in after we went to bed last night.”

“Oh. Maybe Sansa was worried she’d sleep in if he stayed, she’s never really been a morning person.”

“Yeah maybe.”

They sipped their teas in silence for a few minutes. Margaery looked at Tyrion with a mock pout.

“I wish you were coming with us.”

“I cannot desert King’s Landing in her hour of need. We are facing an onslaught of Baratheons. Apparently good brother Stannis has had a last minute change of heart, also I couldn't do that to Renly.” 

“A night out with all three Baratheon brothers? Seven hells, try not to end up locked in box on the ferry to Pentos.”

Margaery smirked then glanced at the clock.

“I better go, I said I be at Sansa’s for nine.”

Tyrion moved towards her and pulled her to him. 

“Love you, darling, have wonderful weekend.”

“Love you too.”

They shared a long kiss before walking hand in hand to the door. 

Marge leant down and placed her forehead on his.

“I’m assuming I can rely on you to send me a filthy, drunken voicemail at stupid o’clock? ”

“Consider me your god of tits and wine, darling.”

Tyrion was treated to a final snog before Margaery departed. He stood at the closed door staring at the spot where his girlfriend had stood.

_“Marry me, Marge.”_

He felt as if the words were on the tip of tongue so often these days. When she had complained about waking up alone earlier he had wanted to suggest that she move herself in with immediate effect. Tyrion shook his head. Margery was a queen, she deserved the most perfect, romantic proposal, not just a casual suggestion. His thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Jaime, who did not seem to have slept very well.

“You look rough, I thought you were spending the night at Sansa’s”

“Change of plans, bro’.”

“You two had a falling out? Nothing serious I hope.”

Jaime smirked bitterly. 

“How could it possibly be anything _serious?_ Listen, about Renly’s Stag Do, I think I’ll tag along after all.”

“You’ve changed your tune.”

The night before Jaime had shown his brother and Marge the message he had received from Brienne as a last minute invite. Jaime had been bemused and certainly not keen on the idea. Tyrion didn’t blame him. As a teenager, Tyrion’s best mate had been Bronn. Renly’s best mate was Brienne. But neither Brienne nor Bronn had attended the exclusive all boys Shield of Lannisport Grammar School. Tyrion and Renly, both for their own reasons not quite fitting in, had gravitated together and maintained the friendship when they both left for university. If Renly hadn’t been one of his closest friends, Tyrion would have found an excuse to give the Stag Do the body swerve too. From what Renly had told him, both his elder brothers appeared to be in the throes of mid life crises. While Robert seemed to be taking the typical route of boozing and casual flings, Stannis had opted for some new age religion. As for Brienne Tarth, aside from a topic to bait Cersei with Tyrion had never associated the uptight woman with anything approaching a good time. He rolled his eyes thinking about the itinerary she had emailed over for the day; _eta, eleven hundred hours, like a bloody military operation. Aha!_

Tyrion beamed at his older brother.

“However, it does work out rather perfectly. You can take my space on the paintball trip.”

“Paintball?”

“Yeah, right up your street, physical competition, aggression, all that manly stuff I’m just not up to.”

Jaime eyed Tyrion sceptically. However, after his row with Sansa he could not deny that some pseudo violence did seem appealing. If only to stop him thinking about how miserable he’d felt when he woke up that morning alone. 

“Alright, baby brother, consider me your champion.”

“Wonderful, tell Brienne that Bronn and I will meet you all at the curry house after. I have her detailed schedule so I know what to do.”

Tyrion took in Jaime’s distracted nod. He could tell something was amiss with his older brother and was fairly sure it was related to Sansa. He wondered briefly if he should try and talk to Jaime about it but dismissed the idea. Let him spend the afternoon shooting paint at other grown men then get him pissed that evening; that was the answer to the problem. 

Sansa took one last glance in the mirror as she prepared to leave her flat. As soon as Jaime stormed out the night before she’d had a proper, ugly cry. Once the tears had subsided the redhead had picked up her phone, intending to ring Jaime but instead sitting motionless with the phone in her hand. _I’m not sad, I’m fucking angry._ It had been something of a revelation to her. When Sansa had been with Harry and indeed in any of her previous relationships, she had always been the one to instigate making up after fights. It never mattered to her whether she had been in the wrong or not, she just really hated bad blood. The old habit had nearly kicked in, but it didn’t. She’d been annoyed at Jaime at dinner and she still was. Their relationship was going well and despite trying very hard to keep her feet on the ground and not get carried away this time, Sansa had found herself on more than one occasion day dreaming about how gorgeous their wedding pictures would look, with his beautiful children as page boy and flower girl. However, that did not mean she was ready to take a massive step like moving in together right now and even if she was, it was something for them to discuss together, not for Jaime to bulldoze her into. Sansa was acutely aware that she had let Harry dictate the pace of their relationship, moving forward despite her own doubts and she did not want to let that happen again. 

Arguing with Jaime felt shit though and Sansa was tempted to call Marge and feign some kind of stomach bug. But then the redhead thought about Harry and Petyr and how much of her life she’d already wasted feeling shit about men and made up her mind. She wasn’t some porcelain doll; she was steel. She would go on her friend’s stag do and have a brilliant time and not think about Jaime fucking Lannister. 

Sansa jumped into the back seat of Marge’s car with a beaming smile. Her friend turned her head with a grin.

“So you kicked Jaime out last night?”

Sansa knew from Marge’s tone that her friend hadn’t heard about the row. 

“Yeah, I needed an early night.”

“Never easy with a Lannister in your bed, I can relate.”

Sansa forced herself to join in her friend’s laugh. Soon the car pulled up in front of Loras and Renly’s flat and Sansa watched the pair say a protracted goodbye. Loras jumped into the front seat looking glum. 

“Pull yourself together, bro’! Its one night.”

“I know I just miss him so much when we’re apart.”

“Gods, you’re a drama queen! You don’t see me and Sansa moping about being separated from our beaus. Anyway, we are going to have so much fun you won’t even think about Renly. Starting this afternoon with wine tasting.”

Loras brightened immediately. 

“That’s what we’re doing? Ren will be so jealous, they’re going paintballing!”

Sansa leant forward.

“He might bump into my brother. Robb, Jon and some of the guys from the Wall are down staying with Theon for his birthday this weekend. I’m pretty sure they’re going paintballing today.”

_Thank the gods Jaime isn’t on Renly’s stag do. I don’t fancy the idea of him and Robb meeting on a battlefield even if it is a pretend one._

**Author's Note:**

> 'Selfish Mother' hoodies are a real thing! perfect for Cersei I reckon ;)


End file.
